My Boomer Tips
My grandmother on my mom's side has always been very hard to get along with, and although I have never outwardly really fought with her, my mother has numerous times. My grandma is controlling, patronizing, abrasive, and sometimes on the verge of verbally abusive. Strangely, as many times as she has gone through the motions of a "loving grandmother", (spoiling me with objects, money etc.) it was very rare that I actually felt loved by her. She always seemed to favor my cousins over me simply because their personality seemed to mirror hers more. She's outspoken, aggressive, and extremely blunt. She always "tells it like it is". I, on the other hand, tend to take after my dad's side. Soft spoken, polite, aloof at times, added to that I am terrified of conflict. I've always been painfully shy and have been called anti-social. I don't relate well with people and don't make friends easily or speak my mind. These qualities have always made me feel like an outcast. "Women in our family our outspoken and STRONG." They'll say this while grinning at me. "You should open up more like we do. Act like we do, open up more." I feel that the more they stress this, the farther I feel from them. They barely feel like family anymore. They're recognizable strangers. Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is I feel like I never got anything emotionally fulfilling from them. I got gifts at birthdays, presents at Christmas. I'd give up anything and everything I'd ever got to fit in with them, to change my personality to mesh with theirs, and I *have* tried. Didn't work.
Now I'd give up anything to get their hands off me. My grandmother accuses me of doing drugs often. I don't do drugs, the fucking hilarious thing, and I don't think she realizes this, is that her other oh so beloved granddaughter does. Well who would've fucking thought? Yes I am extremely bitter. I've felt like trash for such a long time. She asked me awhile ago if I was having sex (and taking drugs too, naturally hahahahaha), I lied. I said no. I didn't want her to know, and I hated the fact that she asked. It was none of her business. She found out, I don't know how, but she was pissed. She called me upset, and told me that I should have waited and that giving away my body so loosely was wrong. I don't hold that against her. What I do is the fact that she told me she doubted I knew what I was doing or even knew the person I had sex with. He's my boyfriend, we've been best friends friends for over year, and I have literally told him more than anyone in my life, and he does in return. I have never trusted anyone so deeply and fully, and coming from someone so often alone as I am, and so distrusting, that says a great deal. He is everything to me and the only reason I haven't given up on life completely. She's paying for my cellphone, which she used to make me feel guilty. I plan on telling her to stop paying for it. I don't want it, I don't need it. I am sick of her in my life.
She has forced me into a mental institution with the help of my loving parents three times, and she has called child services on my parents as revenge for a fight her and my mom got into. I feel that enough is enough. She does everything for shock value, she is rude, and I can't stand being related to her, but I can't escape either. I can't stop thinking about how easy it would be to end it and not have to do this anymore, but I can't do that to my boyfriend. I can't take this much longer.
I'm a coward, every time I try to defend myself, I can't talk, I'll just freeze up and choke on my words. Even when I do manage to, it sounds pathetic and wimpy and probably makes things worse for me because It seems like I lack any sort of pride or self-respect.
