My Boomer Tips

My Boomer Tips

I’m an eighth grader in Illinois who is graduating in a few weeks. My parents said that they would give me a graduation party, and I need help planning it.
My grandmother lives two doors down from me, and she has a large backyard and pool, both of which I can use for my party. Between my house and my grandmother’s house is my aunt and uncle’s house, which I do not want to use for the party. Some of the party can also be at my house, which has a smaller backyard than my grandmother’s. I need ideas of what to eat, activities, alternatives to a professional DJ, what to wear (casual dress?), something commemorative for guests to sign, small thank you gifts (maybe), something for the other eighth graders to do, and any other suggestions. I don't care how large or small the ideas are, I just need some different ideas to get my party planning started. For the best answer I will give you a good rating, as well as 10 extra points if you can tell me how to transfer them. Thanks!

My Boomer Tips

We were chosen by our birthmother but she and her mother seem to feel that this obligates us to a lifetime of being beholden to them in a number of ways...beyond being grateful and the best parents we can be.

Our birthmother, M, chose us through an adoption agency and we had 3 months to get to know each other pre-birth. She and her boyfriend were 19 year-old college students and opted for adoption because they weren't ready. (At least, that's what they told us.) We met our daughter's birthfather and he was fine with it - ready to move on with his life. It was a semi-open agreement (get to know each other then after the birth a structured letter/picture updates through the agency/email afterward. Though not formalized, we also created an email account for M to email us if she wanted.) The 3 months spent before our daughter was born was so wonderful - I felt like we really got to know her and we loved her, but then in the hospital things got strange. We found out she lied about us/to us and was manipulating us against her parents and the agency all along. She did this for attention, we think, and though she really did love us in her way I think her id seems to rule her behavior. It broke our hearts when we found out she had been playing us off people. The birthmother advocate at the adoption agency says she believes M has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is very sad, but also makes me worry about her ability to move on and maintain boundaries. My own grandmother has BPD and I know how hurtful and unpredictable she can be.

Over the past 16 months we have become increasingly fearful of M's stability and what this means for her wellbeing as well as that of our family. She is stalking us in some ways - which I can even understand (though not condone), but her mother has also sent several letters browbeating us and asking for gifts for her daughter. We've caught M driving by our house (she found out our address pre-birth and we let it slide), she has tried to friend us in Facebook several times, she has mailed gifts and even left one on our porch for our daughter. She went back to the hospital 9 months later and tried to get a copy of her baby's/our daughter's birth record. Her emails usually request pictures and are newsy updates which is OK, but increasingly they alternate with very angry and rage-sad notes saying her "heart is burning." She never says she wants the baby back or anything like that. She just vents about how she's feeling. Most recently, she met with the agency and told them she is considering suing them and us (us for breach of oral contract - we promised to be there for her and she feels we have not. This holds no water legally, but it's scary all the same. She is also lying about how much we "wined and dined" her. She says 37 times in 3 months and my calendar count is 10 visits, to include 3 agency-structured planning meetings over dinner and a visit to the hospital when she was in preterm labor.) In all, she is grasping at straws to stay in our life, I think. She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way.

In all this, I especially mourn what I had hoped would be a beautiful story of love for our daughter. We went from being in what we thought was very close relationship with M to now being fearful of her, so I feel it's best for us to make a clean break from M and her family and salvage what we can before there's even more bad feelings. If not for our daughter I would try to help M because I do care about her. But our daughter must come first. We have decided to cut ties with M at least until our daughter old enough to understand that she was not stable. (I have no doubt M will seek her out when she's 18.) This is all so cliche and Lifetime movie-ish (yet actually VERY unusual within adoption.) The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the dramatic myths around adoption, so it's difficult to talk about it with people who know us.

Sad, confused, and a little scared (and really grateful to be a Mom.)
I understand that this is a highly charged issue, and apologize for saying "my birthmother." I was shorthanding for my daughter but I can understand your point.
This adoption was initially to be closed after birth at the birthparents' request - I want to make that clear.
Our daughter will always know she's adopted, and we want this to be a point of identity for her. My hope was that one day she could meet M and that it would be a good thing. As such, the "beautiful story" is one I wanted to tell about how much M loves her. Adoption comes of loss for everyone involved - but there is also gain - freedom, parenthood and a stable home in this case.
When at all possible, I don't believe any child should be exposed to unstable or potentially harmful people regardless of who they are. This isn't about sadness or neediness (which is absolutely understandable), it's about keeping a person from from seeking uninvited contact who may pose a danger to our daughter's security right now.
Some of you seem determined to damn us no matter what, but for those looking for information to help write a constructive answer here you go. I'm not necessarily looking for agreement or I wouldn't have asked, but I thank you in advance for thoughtful consideration rather than abusive rants.
I've left out the details, but yes there's reason to fear beyond email/facebook stuff.
BPD was something the counselor mentioned to help us better understand, but it was not a clinical diagnosis. Obviously, I would not be party to that.
(Wishing it upon my daughter because you have a problem with me is not cool, by the way.)
And, though we've tried to be flexible, YES we have tried to be very clear in letting her know when we felt she had not respected our boundaries (obtaining our name and address, coming by our house, etc.)

My Boomer Tips

We were chosen by our birthmother but she and her mother seem to feel that this obligates us to a lifetime of being beholden to them in a number of ways...beyond being grateful and the best parents we can be.

Our birthmother, M, chose us through an adoption agency and we had 3 months to get to know each other pre-birth. She and her boyfriend were 19 year-old college students and opted for adoption because they weren't ready. (At least, that's what they told us.) We met our daughter's birthfather and he was fine with it - ready to move on with his life. It was a semi-open agreement (get to know each other then after the birth a structured letter/picture updates through the agency/email afterward. Though not formalized, we also created an email account for M to email us if she wanted.) The 3 months spent before our daughter was born was so wonderful - I felt like we really got to know her and we loved her, but then in the hospital things got strange. We found out she lied about us/to us and was manipulating us against her parents and the agency all along. She did this for attention, we think, and though she really did love us in her way I think her id seems to rule her behavior. It broke our hearts when we found out she had been playing us off people. The birthmother advocate at the adoption agency says she believes M has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is very sad, but also makes me worry about her ability to move on and maintain boundaries. My own grandmother has BPD and I know how hurtful and unpredictable she can be.

Over the past 16 months we have become increasingly fearful of M's stability and what this means for her wellbeing as well as that of our family. She is stalking us in some ways - which I can even understand (though not condone), but her mother has also sent several letters browbeating us and asking for gifts for her daughter. We've caught M driving by our house (she found out our address pre-birth and we let it slide), she has tried to friend us in Facebook several times, she has mailed gifts and even left one on our porch for our daughter. She went back to the hospital 9 months later and tried to get a copy of her baby's/our daughter's birth record. Her emails usually request pictures and are newsy updates which is OK, but increasingly they alternate with very angry and rage-sad notes saying her heart is burning. She never says she wants the baby back or anything like that. She just vents about how she's feeling. Most recently, she met with the agency and told them she is considering suing them and us (us for breach of oral contract - we promised to be there for her and she feels we have not. This holds no water legally, but it's scary all the same. She is also lying about how much we wined and dined her. She says 37 times in 3 months and my calendar count is 10 visits, to include 3 agency-structured planning meetings over dinner and a visit to the hospital when she was in preterm labor.) In all, she is grasping at straws to stay in our life, I think. She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way.

In all this, I especially mourn what I had hoped would be a beautiful story of love for our daughter. We went from being in what we thought was very close relationship with M to now being fearful of her, so I feel it's best for us to make a clean break from M and her family and salvage what we can before there's even more bad feelings. If not for our daughter I would try to help M because I do care about her. But our daughter must come first. We have decided to cut ties with M at least until our daughter old enough to understand that she was not stable. (I have no doubt M will seek her out when she's 18.) This is all so cliche and Lifetime movie-ish (yet actually VERY unusual within adoption.) The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the dramatic myths around adoption, so it's difficult to talk about it with people who know us.

Sad, confused, and a little scared (and really grateful to be a Mom.)

My Boomer Tips

Why is it the generation who tried their parents the most are totally out of touch with young people? Seems they have forgotten what being young is about. They are (some, not all) complainers, winers and totally against anything for young people. complain about noise when they had more music noise than anyone, about clothes, about everything they did they doin't want anyone else to experience. that is...FUN

My Boomer Tips

Why is the age range so wide for the "Baby Boom" Generation. According to the range 1945-1964 I am a boomer, and so are my parents. I've always thought of age gaps in 10 year increments, not really 20. Do you think that who ever labels these "generations" sets the time frame arbitratirly? Do you fit your generations' traits?

P.S. Any "cracks" about my being old will be met with an instant blast of electricity to your key board causing your fingers to burn and your screen to burst into flames. (You've been warned! lol).
Thanks for the correction 1344, you're right. My Mom had me when she was 17 years old...I feel like I straddle the Boomer and the GenX (isn't that the next one) generation

My Boomer Tips

We were a DEMOGRAPHIC NIGHTMARE for our parents and schools-
now society wants WORKERS- NOT RETIRED PEOPLE!!!
We owe it to them to die as we clock out, now- should we end it for you-
because OUR PARENTS also hated us- and we know your KIDS WILL too?

My Boomer Tips

A few weeks ago my stepmom and I were meandering around an area near where we live, and randomly turned down a small side street neither of us had ever explored before where we stumbled upon this little barber shop that had a framed photo of her late father near the window. He was an actor who was fairly well-known in his time, and the barber had requested an autographed head-shot to add to his collection of his celebrity clientele. She seemed to be pleased to see his photo and handwriting, but then later on when we were home became really emotional about it because at the time she was four-and-a-half months pregnant (she miscarried a little over a week ago), and was overcome with sadness that her dad who died when she was in college would never be able to meet her son. Her stepfather was in the hospital then, and that definitely added to the emotional toll, but the picture really did have a visceral effect on her. Since her traumatizing miscarriage, things like a gift that arrived from a friend who wasn't going to be able to make the baby shower, an invitation to her step-niece's first birthday party, and the room that we were in the finishing touches of converting into a nursery all became like salt poured into the wound.

I've lost nine people I loved, and a few others I really cared about in the past few years, and have various reactions when I see mementos of them. With some, like a beautiful picture of my great-grandmother that I found on an old jump drive, it's a sweet, reassuring comfort that they're still with me in a way, and with others, like a snapshot on the same drive of a friend who died when I was fifteen, it's a piercing, breath-stealing pain, and intense feeling of loss. My best friend told me she feels the same way sometimes when she sees photos and videos of her family from when she was younger, and her parents hadn't yet gone through their very acrimonious divorce that was so damaging to them all.

How do you react when you encounter reminders of people you loved and lost either by death, divorce, or something else that separated you from them? And how do you honor their memory without collapsing under the weight of grief?

I apologize for the length of this question. Thank you in advance for your answers.
Zoe ~ he was on a television show for over thirty years and had a star on the Walk of Fame, but I highly doubt anyone our age would have the faintest clue about who he was because he passed away in the 90s and was never a big-name star. He was a lovely, wonderful person, though.

http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r375/SkylarkMelody/?action=view&current=BH_Barber_Shop.jpg

I really appreciate all of these poignant, thoughtful, and comforting answers.

THANKS EVERYONE! YOU'RE ALL AWESOME. : )
PS: I moved the photo which was of my step-grandfather's autographed headshot at the barber shop into a private album after a few days, so the link no longer works. Apologies!

My Boomer Tips

Many of them seem to be too confrontational or too competitive, as if they have to "prove something" all of the time, or try to "out-do" generation Xers, which causes them to give up or try less than their parents. I'm 36, and I can think of numerous times when I would try to befriend or have a pleasant conversation with baby boomer men, and their replies were often a predictable sarcastic response, such as, "Ha!, you weren't even born back when this happened" (in a less than kind, non-joking tone), and things like "Our music, our cars, etc, were better." Yet, I tend to get along just fine with people born in the Silent Generation, because even though many of them were competitive, they treated each other, including younger people, with a bit more class and dignity.

As a person born in 1975, I have really grown tired of Baby Boomers trying to pick generational fights with their offspring. I despise being told how we are less productive, when it was their generation that exported all of our quality factory jobs, shunned the true classical works of music and art, and became the impetus of the modern-day drug epidemic. Many of them are never satisfied with life as it is, and try to force their will upon the masses rather than letting people and things live and be as they are.

Does anyone else feel this way, too, sometimes?