son and son's wife keeps telling me I am not a good grandmother, they live 12 hours away from me. ?
My Boomer Tips
we put a limit on Christmas last year for the kids, we set a 400 dollar limit, DIL asked that we spend it all on a gift for our son. We agreed but told her that would be it, she agreed, and stated that the girls ( 2yr old twins) would not know the difference that they would receive lots of gifts from other relatives. We agreed with the gift (safety item for motocross racing) since she told us that the best gift we could give the girls was to make sure there daddy was safe. Come Christmas day all hell broke loose and our son was ticked because we did not send any gifts for the girls. We explained what we were told to do, he still was mad. I later heard from mutual friend that my DIL was telling people that we bought the girls nothing for Christmas. I was hurt and called my son to ask him to please tell DIL not to do that and if she was to tell anything to tell the whole story. The next day DIL called screaming at me and telling me that I was going to loose my son and that I was a horrible grandmother. We told our son what she had done and he more or less condoned her behavior. DIL will not take my calls or talk to either of us now for over a year.. We have been in communication with son, but it is estranged. I still send the girls gifts for almost every holiday, have talked to them on the phone, but was told by son just recently that I am not a very good grandmother. I told him it is hard to have relationship knowing the feelings of his wife, he informed me that when we were more in contact with his children and acted like better grandparents maybe she would come around and have something to do with us. He accuses me of never of liking his wife, I told him I love her I just don't appreciate her way of confronting me. They have lived 12 hours away for almost 4 years now, I have been out there 4 times have called and done video cams with them, sent the girls tons of gifts and it seems its never enough for him or her. I told my son that his father and I for some reason cannot do right by him, he said nothing. He complained alot abut his father and said some pretty mean things about him, but when I talked about his wife and how she needs to not confront me in that matter he becomes irate and hateful. What do we do. I could go on and on about this. Our true feelings is that she wants our son all to her self and I am fine with that, he is suppose to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, but she is truly the one who dislikes me and his father, she is very controlling and hateful. I have apologized several times about not sending a gift for the girls and I was wrong but I was blown away when my son just told me recently that they are upset because we don't make enough effort towards his girls, that it has nothing to do with the gift. I want this to be better, have tried to work it out, but they are making conditions, and she always has rules and hoops that me and sons father must jump through.
Your DIL sounds selfish and extremely manipulative!!! (no offense intended but from the sound of it your son isn’t far behind her in that department)
You have raised your child…I would only be concerned for my grandchildren and let DIL and your son sort out their own nonsense.
You are allowing these two grown adults to keep you upset. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees…put them both in their place and be done with it.
It is so sad to read this.
Perhaps, rather than speak on the phone or via web-cam, it would be worth your while to take the time – perhaps a week or 2 – to compose a letter to her.
Address it only to her, let her know your feelings, describe them as accurately as you can and then decide if you want to send the letter or not. You won’t likely be able to change her, but you can change the way you react to her. Do not consult her on gifts for the children, give what you would like to give. Do not consult her on gifts for her or your son – give what you would like them to have. This might be a gift cert. for a weekend away – you could come and look after your grand children.
I am just learning the ropes of being a mother-in-law and I am beginning to think that one of my paternal aunts was right – we have to be like stars, twinkling from afar.
wow sorry to hear about all the drama. I myself would of sent the girls a present any ways,even a little one, no matter what she said. But you cant change the past. It looks like you are doing every thing you can. Hopefully in time things will blow over. But dont let her get to you & stop doing grandma, mother duties. Cont. to call & send gifts for birthday etc & try to make visits ( which Im sure can be difficult, but at least you can still drive down there, some grandparents have to get a plane to see their grand kids. As for the DIL, you just have to kill with kindness. She should of never requested has she wanted YOU to spend your presents . .you NEVER dictate how another person is going to spend on your family. .. ESPECIALLY when its gifts!!! The nerve!
Look as long as you are doing what you are comfortable with why push the issue. Your DIL sounds like a Control freak and has found that this is the only way to Control you. My family don’t put up with control freaks we always do the opposite of what they want if they say send things we bring them over. Yes you have lost some influence over your son but have you really? You can always play their game and place hoops for them to jump thu sometimes turn about is fairplay.
ayfr
i would recommend you and your husband taking a drive out and spending a day over there and bringing the girls back for a couple of days ( having arranged this not just with your dil but with your son First) she obviously set u up and is playing this out really good so stop playing into her hands by doing what She wants and take things into your hands. being a good grandparent (as i am a dad) is just spending quality time with the children and bonding, talking, reading together or playing games or going to the park. just my idea though, money or gifts cannot buy or replace the love you have to offer. make these trips around the same time so as they get older they remember "it’s a;most time to go to gmas… and diapers shouldn’t be an current issue now. Good Luck.. but dil is something
edit: and as others have said send what u please to the kids and maybe a card to her and him. your doing great there!
Wow, tough situation to be in. Just continue to be gracious people and let your son and dil be the jerks, you will win out in the end. Continue to communicate with your grandchildren whenever possible and send them gifts for birthdays, etc, and never talk bad about your son and dil in front of their kids. That’s about all you can do.
I would encourage one final effort with your son, then cut your losses if that doesn’t work out. Ask him what he envisions when he says he wants you to make more of an effort for the girls. What he thinks and what you think might be totally different. You send gifts to the girls. Do the girls actually get them, or does the wife hijack the gifts, take them back and get the $$$, but not tell him about it? Yes, the wife sounds like a manipulative bee-atch, but your best bet is to keep her out of the argument. You will not win that one, and the more you bad-mouth her, the more he will side with her. Also tell him that you will no longer tolerate inappropriate language or behavior from either of them. Tell him you will no longer jump through their hoops and over their obstacles to have a relationship with your granddaughters. You want a relationship, but their requirements have become way too stressful and ridiculous for the two of you. This might mean cutting direct ties with the girls, and just sending cards and gifts. That might be painful, but they are making this impossible for you and for the girls. This is a no-win situation for you and your husband. Nothing you do will please them. Stop trying to do so and take care of your own emotional wellness. Best wishes.
let me guess, he is an only child. two ways to handle this. first is to react in like manner. threaten to cut him out of the will. tell him your life will go on without ever hearing from him or his wife again. remind him of all the sacrifices you made so that he would have a better life and how ungrateful he is. next Christmas just send a nice card and nothing else. make sure to send a separate card to each of the twins. as they grow older make the gifts more personal and communicate with them as much as their parents allow. they will come to know and appreciate you as good people and grandparents. let the son and dil live their lives their way. people can usually sense how someone feels about them even if they are not conscience of the reasons.
or you could continue being as nice as you are to them. when you called it looks as though your dil took it that you were looking for a way to save money and she came up with the plan thinking you would go ahead and do what you usually do, over do it. when you cut back it feels as if you don’t care as much. if you were honest with yourself you would admit the misgivings you had about the marriage in the beginning.
kill them with kindness. no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission. don’t give it. be secure in the fact that you know exactly how good of a grandparent you are.
Dear Son:
On December __, 200_, a conversation took place with your wife,
________. She stated that since we only had a set amount to spend
on buying gifts that we should purchase you the safety item for motocross racing. She emphasized that our grandchildren were too young to know the difference, and that your safety would benefit the children more.
We complied with her request, and then were accused of not caring
about our grandchildren.
We were verbally assaulted by you, and then slandered by your wife to relatives who she has told that we do not love our grandchildren.
You have both said that we are bad grandparents, you told me how we have to start participating more, and now your wife is requesting that we jump through hoops on fire to even see the kids.
We send gifts and do as much as possible considering the distance and hostility we have to endure.
We are your loving parents who only wish to see our grandchildren.
We should not have to do tricks or endure drama.
We are the same people who raised you.
We are not strangers and should be treated more respectfully.
Your wife does not have to like us, but her efforts to estrange you
and the kids from us are unnecessary.
You do not have to take sides. We are not participating in this
battle. We are observers waiting for the opportunity to be in
your lives.
You are a father and should appreciate the efforts of a parent.
We will wait for you to find it in your heart to put a halt to this
drama and start particiapting in our lives.
If that day never comes, our hearts will stay broken, but we
will know that we have done everything we could have on
our end.
Best wishes
Hon, as nasty as this sounds your DIL set you two up, and now your son is going along with her agenda.
So I reccomend you follow ‘handyman’s advice…..tell your son everything that he outlined and add that you will leave everything you own to all your grandchildren when they each reach the age of 21..until they turn 21 it will be kept in trust for them, as far as Sonny Boy, he will no longer inherit anything from his parents after all to accept an inheritance from parents he has such overwhelming issues with would be hypocritical…right?
In future all the Son & DIL get from you two are cards, all gifts go to the children only and continue to be grandparents to them…sometimes it takes a harsh response to harsh, unfair treatment to make a person think about what they’ve done…..you were too nice to the adults in the situation…..what goes around comes around and they need to learn that…good luck.
You’re getting a lot of advice, but sadly much of it recommends that you escalate the situation.
I would go to the store today and buy silly paper that those little girls would like (Hello Kitty, etc.) and I would sit down and write them a letter EVERY week. I would send pictures of the house, you two, the dog, the cat, etc. Also, McDonald’s Gift Cards.
Otherwise, I would refuse to discuss this nightmare, but nicely (Oh, I’d like to put all that behind us…)
This has been going on a year, who knows or cares why? Put a stop to it yourself. It is in your power to do so. Someday those little girls are going to get on the phone with you (Oh yeah, send them phone cards) and ask you to come see them. You might have to go and stay in a hotel, but it will be over.