Should we sever email ties with our toddler daughter's birthmother/her parents? It's a unique, yet cliche situ?
My Boomer Tips
We were chosen by our birthmother but she and her mother seem to feel that this obligates us to a lifetime of being beholden to them in a number of ways...beyond being grateful and the best parents we can be.
Our birthmother, M, chose us through an adoption agency and we had 3 months to get to know each other pre-birth. She and her boyfriend were 19 year-old college students and opted for adoption because they weren't ready. (At least, that's what they told us.) We met our daughter's birthfather and he was fine with it - ready to move on with his life. It was a semi-open agreement (get to know each other then after the birth a structured letter/picture updates through the agency/email afterward. Though not formalized, we also created an email account for M to email us if she wanted.) The 3 months spent before our daughter was born was so wonderful - I felt like we really got to know her and we loved her, but then in the hospital things got strange. We found out she lied about us/to us and was manipulating us against her parents and the agency all along. She did this for attention, we think, and though she really did love us in her way I think her id seems to rule her behavior. It broke our hearts when we found out she had been playing us off people. The birthmother advocate at the adoption agency says she believes M has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is very sad, but also makes me worry about her ability to move on and maintain boundaries. My own grandmother has BPD and I know how hurtful and unpredictable she can be.
Over the past 16 months we have become increasingly fearful of M's stability and what this means for her wellbeing as well as that of our family. She is stalking us in some ways - which I can even understand (though not condone), but her mother has also sent several letters browbeating us and asking for gifts for her daughter. We've caught M driving by our house (she found out our address pre-birth and we let it slide), she has tried to friend us in Facebook several times, she has mailed gifts and even left one on our porch for our daughter. She went back to the hospital 9 months later and tried to get a copy of her baby's/our daughter's birth record. Her emails usually request pictures and are newsy updates which is OK, but increasingly they alternate with very angry and rage-sad notes saying her heart is burning. She never says she wants the baby back or anything like that. She just vents about how she's feeling. Most recently, she met with the agency and told them she is considering suing them and us (us for breach of oral contract - we promised to be there for her and she feels we have not. This holds no water legally, but it's scary all the same. She is also lying about how much we wined and dined her. She says 37 times in 3 months and my calendar count is 10 visits, to include 3 agency-structured planning meetings over dinner and a visit to the hospital when she was in preterm labor.) In all, she is grasping at straws to stay in our life, I think. She is fixated on us in what I believe is a very unhealthy way.
In all this, I especially mourn what I had hoped would be a beautiful story of love for our daughter. We went from being in what we thought was very close relationship with M to now being fearful of her, so I feel it's best for us to make a clean break from M and her family and salvage what we can before there's even more bad feelings. If not for our daughter I would try to help M because I do care about her. But our daughter must come first. We have decided to cut ties with M at least until our daughter old enough to understand that she was not stable. (I have no doubt M will seek her out when she's 18.) This is all so cliche and Lifetime movie-ish (yet actually VERY unusual within adoption.) The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the dramatic myths around adoption, so it's difficult to talk about it with people who know us.
Sad, confused, and a little scared (and really grateful to be a Mom.)
I have no way of really knowing what you are feeling or what you should do at all! What a story.
I think though, from reading what you wrote, and being an outsider…that it would probably be best for you to cut ties. Not just for your sake, but for M’s as well. She needs to move on, and it seems that she hasn’t. I kept thinking of the show "teen mom" where Kaitlyn and Tyler put the baby up for adoption, open, like yours. Those adoptive parents sent pictures to the agency for the birth parents to see, but they did not speak to them, or let them see that baby for a year. I thought this was good because the adoptive parents had control, and got to form their family, and the birth parents could wonder, but had to move on. Tell "M" that it is time for her to move on, that you will send her pictures via email periodically, but that the contact has to stop. If she continues to stalk your house, you might have to get a restraining order…that would be sad.
It sounds like cutting hermit of the picture may be best, but talk to the agency first to make sure it is legal to do so. Otherwise it may just bring even moremtrouble your way.
Do the people at the adoption agency not have any advice/support/help for you? Can you enlist them to enlist a social worker to provide the (excess) support M is seeking?
It sounds like talking with an attorney may be a good idea if this escalates or becomes totally unmanageable. I have no experience with adoption, but some with BPD — and I fear that you and your family are in for a rough ride. Set firm boundaries, and don’t feel bad if you end up talking to a lawyer (or even police about a restraining order). If you find her upping the stalking, Gavin de Becker’s "The Gift of Fear" is a must-read for dealing with that. Good luck…!
I think what you’re doing is right, you should cut ties with her. Sadly that’s what happens sometimes when you try to be nice and let things slide in the beginning, it can end with hurt feelings on both sides. However, from what you’ve described, it sounds as though you have followed through on your part and I wouldn’t worry about any legal issues or threats coming from her. I would however be careful with the fact that she knows where you live and also the fact that she seems a little mentally unstable (and if not mentally unstable it’s quite obvious she’s not dealing with the outcome of you’re agreements). That could be a potential nightmare. If anything continues after you severe contact with her such as visits, drive-by’s, or unwanted gifts, I would most certainly get an order of protection or restraining order against her not only for yourself and your husband but for the child as well. I sincerly hope that everything works out for you and your new family and congratulations on your baby.
Best of luck.
I am so happy for you that you are a Mommy. Sorry, it has become so difficult and scarry situation. I hate to say it but, I agree, for your daughter and your family to be able to live a "normal" life cutting ties with M would be best at this time. Perhaps when you tell her(if you are planning on it) tell her you wish things could have gone differently but right now you feel it is best if you don’t communicate. Tell her you will mail(not email) pictures of your dd a few times a year if she would like that. Ask her if she is willing to see a therapist or psychiatrist, tell her you are concerned about her and you feel she needs help. If she gets help and sticks with it, you can re-think the situation if you will be able to have a meeting with her therapist before you make your decision. Most likely with her mental condition it isn’t going to be a postiive respince but..you will have offered. Is the adoption advocate still in the picture? maybe they can do the talking for you.
Adoption is a fantastic "thing", your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother. I hope it all works out for the best..for everyone. I hope M will respect your wishes and get herself the help she needs.
Here: http://y101.info/150031/gift-for-her