Manipulative Father hurts and doesn’t seem to value me or my kids?
My Boomer Tips
I need help in dealing with my "Dad". He was a guy I always thought was "Mr. Morals" and therefore, even though he was impossible to be around he always had that going for him. Then he cheated and left my Mom for her best friend. The double betrayal killed my Mom. She got bone cancer shortly after wards and died a few years later. My Mom and I were tight. I was her first born (son) and I have a younger sister. My Dad has always been about mind games and manipulation. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him and compliments were hard to come by. He always finds faults and criticizes everyone. He doesn't have any friends and his sisters have all but forgotten him because he's such a treat to be around. So self-righteous. I've been successful in my life. I graduated college, married, 2 kids, nice house, support myself etc. My sister is fat, lazy, no job, and just like him. He walks on water for her and treats me poorly. It took a few years before I'd even be in the same room with that thing he married and I made it clear at that time that she'd never be grandma to my kids and I've told my Dad that I won't get her presents. Because of this when it comes time for gift giving I get the cheapest crappiest presents when he used to give nice presents. He's just trying to manipulate me into giving his woman gifts too. Because of this I told him, "no more x-mas gift exchanges" so this year, for my 40th birthday I get a fishing rod with the tag still on it and not wrapped and when he hands it to me his thing says, "we bought it last year". WTF? He seems to find the negatives with my kids and there definately is no balance there with compliments. The land he lives on has been in the family for 5 generations and I was always told by my Grandmother that it would be mine someday. When I ask Dad about it so that I can plan my future he gives me a smarmy grin and says he won't choose between me and my sister. Now, often times when I see him they bring up how they might sell the place and move south. It's like they get off on holding it over my head. It's to the point now that I don't even want it. Many times when we go to see him I get this anxiety in my chest and the thought of "What's he going to do this time?" Is it going to be happy Dad or pissy Dad? My Mom had told my wife and I before she died that I always had to prove myself to him and it was never good enough and my sister never had to endure that. I also heard from her that I was an oopsy pregnancy and that he didn't want kids. There have been a few times in the past where I've gone a year or better without speaking to him. I'm tired of the negative energy he puts out and the feeling of inadequacy. I'm starting to hear him say things in front of my kids and don't want to subject them to what I had to go through. He's one of those that are never wrong either. We've had some heart to hearts in the past on different things and it always gets turned around where he starts to attack me some. I'm tired of it. Can somebody give me some good advice on how to handle this? I can't take much more. I'm worn out.
Family is not always blood- it is the people that you feel happy and safe around. If your father and his whore of a wife do not make you feel that way, then why go over there? Keep it to phone conversations. Life is short enough. I know that he raised you and so forth…but that debt should not give you a guilty obligation to keep seeing him when it makes you so upset.
Therapy will help to- for them. You could consider family therapy, however if it goes anything like mine did- it will end in yelling and hurt. A lot of hurt.
At any rate, I realized it was not worth it and stopeed talking to my dad. It has been ten years, and neither of us are worse off for it. Jsut becasue he made you does not mean you have to get along.
See a psychologist. It helps. I have been through worse than you. A psychologist really helps because than you know what you say is confidential. Plus, they talk you through your problems
Go get yourself some counseling and cut off contact with your father. You have done well for yourself so why even bother to subject yourself to his hurtful words. Your kids don’t need to be around some one like that. And quite frankly neither do you just move on with your life and say the h**l with him.