How do you feel when you unexpectedly encounter a vivid reminder of a loved one you lost?
My Boomer Tips
A few weeks ago my stepmom and I were meandering around an area near where we live, and randomly turned down a small side street neither of us had ever explored before where we stumbled upon this little barber shop that had a framed photo of her late father near the window. He was an actor who was fairly well-known in his time, and the barber had requested an autographed head-shot to add to his collection of his celebrity clientele. She seemed to be pleased to see his photo and handwriting, but then later on when we were home became really emotional about it because at the time she was four-and-a-half months pregnant (she miscarried a little over a week ago), and was overcome with sadness that her dad who died when she was in college would never be able to meet her son. Her stepfather was in the hospital then, and that definitely added to the emotional toll, but the picture really did have a visceral effect on her. Since her traumatizing miscarriage, things like a gift that arrived from a friend who wasn't going to be able to make the baby shower, an invitation to her step-niece's first birthday party, and the room that we were in the finishing touches of converting into a nursery all became like salt poured into the wound.
I've lost nine people I loved, and a few others I really cared about in the past few years, and have various reactions when I see mementos of them. With some, like a beautiful picture of my great-grandmother that I found on an old jump drive, it's a sweet, reassuring comfort that they're still with me in a way, and with others, like a snapshot on the same drive of a friend who died when I was fifteen, it's a piercing, breath-stealing pain, and intense feeling of loss. My best friend told me she feels the same way sometimes when she sees photos and videos of her family from when she was younger, and her parents hadn't yet gone through their very acrimonious divorce that was so damaging to them all.
How do you react when you encounter reminders of people you loved and lost either by death, divorce, or something else that separated you from them? And how do you honor their memory without collapsing under the weight of grief?
I apologize for the length of this question. Thank you in advance for your answers.
Zoe ~ he was on a television show for over thirty years and had a star on the Walk of Fame, but I highly doubt anyone our age would have the faintest clue about who he was because he passed away in the 90s and was never a big-name star. He was a lovely, wonderful person, though.
http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r375/SkylarkMelody/?action=view¤t=BH_Barber_Shop.jpg
I really appreciate all of these poignant, thoughtful, and comforting answers.
THANKS EVERYONE! YOU'RE ALL AWESOME. : )
PS: I moved the photo which was of my step-grandfather's autographed headshot at the barber shop into a private album after a few days, so the link no longer works. Apologies!
Wow Lark thank you for sharing that with us.
I just came back home from a visit with my sister in Atlanta. Our mother has been deceased since 1998 and I don’t have a single picture of her (I have my reasons). I happened to walk into my sister’s kitchen and there was a really beautiful photo of my mother. She had this calm and peaceful look on her face and a Mona Lisa smile. Then in a flash It was as if I remembered EVERY single detail of what happened right before the photo was snapped. I had just come home from racing in a go-kart race (I raced competitively as a young teen) with my stepfather, sister and other fam members. My mother stayed home as usual because she didn’t like the noise at the tracks. Said she would have preferred me playing football lol. Anyway as we walked in the door my mother was sitting in the living room. My stepfather had the camera in hand and she looked directly at me and said, "Hey you didn’t crash out I assume. I always worry about you getting hurt." then a few seconds later my stepfather snapped the picture.
At that moment I was bombarded by this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia, grief, pain, happiness, loss. For those who have lost loved ones you know this feeling. You don’t know whether to cry, laugh or scream. It is for this reason I don’t like looking at photos of my mother. I overcome the emotion and confusion by using the memories in my head. That way I control everything. I separate the pain from the joy. I set the pain to one side. With a photo there is no control. You have to go back to that day. Remember it from start to finish (in my case). That hurts too much. Physical reminders are tough for me because they act as a time machine almost. You have to absorb all of the energy from that moment of memory there is no control on your part.
I try and honor her by being the best person I can be. Sounds cliche but I’m sure she would be happy with me. I always got more praise and smiles from her when I messed up anyway, so I know when I screw up she smiles and when I do well she expects it. She always said the only job she ever loved was raising her kids, so I can and do honor her by living life the best way I can and showing compassion for people.
Yes. When those times of memories come my friend I treat them as I would if I were wading up to my chest in water and at a beach and allow the wave to carry me to the shore little by little.
So too I treat those emotional memories like those waves to carry me where they will. Until my friend they ebb away. They come and they go unexpectedly like gusts of wind and pass over.
It is the mind at play between past loved ones and the present we live in. It is all part of us that is remembered. But alas only the living remember. For in genetic way perhaps through our children all of that is in them as life as energy as what will help them to survive for a future time.
So when those moments come I am experiencing them again. Rejoicing and sorrowing and then living again.
Be well. It is all a part of healing. It is all a part of life.
I don’t know anybody who died yet. I’m really sorry about your stepmom losing her baby, Lark. I know you were really excited about it. : ( Was your grandpa really famous? Thats really cool they had his picture, I’m sorry it upset her so bad.
For me it depends entirely on the circumstances of the loss and the memento.
Right now, your stepmother is grieving not only for her father, but for the child she never got to hold, so her reactions are perfectly understandable, if painful to watch.
When I come across a reminder of my first real relationship – which ended with betrayal – no matter what the reminder is, my reaction is a mixture of indifference and simmering anger. (Simmering, no longer seething, it’s been too long to care that much.)
Thinking about my best friend’s mom, who passed away way too young, I get moody and angry because of the unfairness of it all. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, that soon.
When I come across reminders of my great grandmother, who passed on peacefully, if suddenly, in her sleep at age 90, my reaction varies – if my Nana’s talking about her, it feels like she’s still around and I’m okay, though I do miss her. That’s especially true because in the past three or so years, my Nana’s told me a lot about her and there are so many similarities between us that I could not have known at age 13 and wouldn’t have been true then. (For example, she spoke German and French – I took both those languages, but only a decade after she passed away, and I didn’t know she spoke them until a year ago.) There’s kind of a warm but empty feeling when I come across photographs of her, because I know that they’re all I’ve got to hold. Going to her grave is cause for tears because her body is there, but she’s gone and she’s not coming back. We get in the car and it feels like we’re leaving her behind. Even thinking about that, I start tearing up – and it’s been 13 and a half years.
As far as family that’s no longer in a good relationship – most of my dad’s family doesn’t have anything to do with us any more. Seeing old family photos hurts, especially when seen in light of all the terrible things that were said. It’s a matter of steeling yourself – you are who you are because of the things you’ve experienced. Good or bad, pleasant or hurtful, these experiences have added to the fabric of your self. I look at those photos and know that the family I do have is true, is loving, and won’t backstab. All the posturing is done and over.
With any loss of a loved one, you’ve got to hold on to the good times, the smiles, the hugs and kisses and honor those moments. Especially with those who have passed on, that’s all you can do. You could set up a memorial fund or fundraising event in their honor – for example if someone passed away from cancer, you could set up a fundraiser in their memory to raise money for the American Cancer Society. If you want to go more low-key, just keep a photo of them around. Celebrate their birthday by going out to their favorite place or cooking something they’d like. We eat almond cookies with tea on my grandma’s birthday – her favorites. I don’t actually pray, but I do talk to my loved ones who’ve gone on. It helps keep them close by, and it’s as close to prayer as I’m comfortable with.
We go on with the knowledge that they would not want us collapsing after they leave That they’d want us to keep on living our lives and think of them time to time. You can’t live your life in the present and plan for the future when your mind is settled in the past. At some point, you have to let go and walk on. Grieving allows us to to that. It’s not unhealthy to revisit these feelings and these mementos, but we all have to put the past in the past and concentrate on where we’re headed.
I know it’s corny, but when I get stuck on these things, I listen to "With you in your dreams" off of Hanson’s 1997 album Middle of Nowhere. The band and the album were very big when I lost my great-grandma, and I’ve always associated the song with her. It’s really quite lovely and rather sophisticated when you think it was written by early-teenaged boys.
Hope this was what a kind of answer you were looking for.
Hi, Dear. First of all, so sorry to hear that your step-mother lost a child, and you lost a little brother or sister, that’s devastating. Remind her that there’s always hope to try again, should she so chose, and that she’ll still a mother, even if she didn’t get the chance to meet her child.
I come across several reminders of things that once were in everyday life. I recently decided to come out with the fact that my step-grandfather sexual abused me as a young child to my parents, and it has destroyed our family’s relationship with everyone on my dad’s side. It’s been devastating, I haven’t spoken to my grandmother or cousins, or aunts and uncles in months, and sooner or later they’ll start asking questions. But aside from that drama, I’m reminded of the ruins that whole family relationship is in at random times; walking past a family photo in my house, hearing an Elvis song (my grandmother’s in love with the King of Rock), and last night during the final scenes of "Parenthood", during which I started bawling.
I realize my circumstances aren’t exactly the same, but my point is that reminders of loss are everywhere. For a while, is your step-mother going to tear up every time there’s a Huggies commercial on TV? Totally, which is completely understandable, but I think what cuts the pain is knowing that you are remembering the loss so much because you want more good times with that person/people. That cuts the pain for me, knowing that I’m not sad out of hate or regret, but because I’m recalling great times I may never have again. That’s devastating, yes, but they’re still wonderful memories. There’s a line in my favorite movie, "Under the Tuscan Sun", in which the man character, Francesca, drives to a little Italian town three hours from where she is living to see a man she had a weekend-long romance with, only to find he has been seeing someone else. Devastated and angry, she starts to walk away, but Marcelo (her lover), confused, calls to her and says, "Francesca, don’t be sad. We have nothing to regret!" That line runs through my head every time I am sad about my family or a friend I’ve lost. They aren’t with us any more, at least not in the same form, but I loved them when I knew them and wouldn’t change a thing about our relationship back then.
The bottom line is that things are always going to remind you of people you’ve lost, and that’s a good thing because it means you made memories with them. So I say pause, reflect on that memory, let yourself have an emotional moment, smile, and keep walking. Because you should never forget the people you’ve lost, but never let that keep you from making new, wonderful memories with others.
- Be well, my love
It depends on my state of mind. The events of the day and how they lead up to that moment.
It is always a happy first thought and reflection, but then a sad pain fills my heart. Attachment to happier times or joys of the heart are hard to release. My human nature wishes it to last forever. But growth requires change.
I remember to celebrate the event of having shared their energies in this life. And how grateful my heart really is for having shared in their journey.
I do collapse under the grief at times too. But I had a dear friend remind me that grasping for that attachment is selfish. That every moment shared with another creates our futures. It makes us who we are. So by keeping the Love in your heart you keep them alive in your soul.
There are times when I day dream about sharing times with a person gone on. Other times I fall apart at the loss and finality of the encounters snuffed out to be no more.
Shanti
Aw, Lark ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened with your family and you’re in my prayers. I don’t feel as though I can answer this question too well, because my experiences with grief have been far less intense and I was significantly younger.
A few weeks ago I was raiding through a chest of drawers in my house, searching for a particular photograph when I came across a photo-album that didn’t look familiar. I blew the dust off and opened it and literally gasped when I saw photos of my late Uncle, who was my father’s best friend. I saw photos of him with my Dad, looking the happiest he’s ever been, and it saddened me to realise how much of my Dad got left behind after my Uncle’s death. I don’t think our family handled grief, specifically that loss, in the best way. We keep our photos in albums that hardly get opened and we don’t talk about it, really. Around the anniversary of his death, there seems to be a cloud of grief hanging around us, but no-one is brave enough to speak about it. We don’t honor their memories, and I think that’s what intensifies it for our family.
I can identify that piercing and breath-stealing pain that you’ve described, because that’s how I felt when I opened the album. I felt like I was hit with memories and they swirled around in my head for hours. He had left my Dad a house, that was partially re-built after the fire, that one day my brother and I would’ve owned. When my parents separated, my Mum moved into that house and sold it. I feel so much guilt that we don’t have that anymore. It’s not even about the material things, but the fact that it was sold and I could do nothing about it makes me incredibly angry and brings tears to my eyes. I feel like that was one of the last parts we could hang onto.
I’ve only had one other experience with grief, which was my Grandfather’s (Mum’s dad). The death wasn’t as sudden but it still was piercing. We didn’t handle that grief particularly well either. This time we hung photos that have since been taken down, when Mum moved out, but no-one really spoke of memories and about enjoying the good times. We hardly discussed it at all and we went on with our lives like everything was normal but we knew that it wasn’t.
The only other experience, that would be similar, is like your best friend’s – things before our family broke apart. I’ve put up photos in my room of that time and I reflect on the good times by myself, and I try not to be bitter about what’s happened to us all. This answer really isn’t helpful at all, but it gives you an idea of how *not* to handle grief. I encourage you to not shut it all in like we have all done, because you can see how much it’s affected us. I feel like I’ve just ranted, but in a way I feel like I’ve also let some things off my chest and poured it into this answer. Hopefully in the future when I experience grief, which is unfortunately inevitable, my family will handle it much better.
I give thanks for the fond memories of dear ones who have moved on to another realm in the sharing of their deeds with family members.
Hi Lark,
Oh when I remember a love one who passed away, it feels like a rush of emotions just hit me. At first, I may just be shocked all over again and then calm down remembering their amazing personalities and priceless memories. My maternal grandparents died about 5 years ago and when I look through the pictures I just want to cry how much they sacrificed in order for our family to have a better life. But, I wipe away those tears knowing that they are in heaven still with us and I know all I can do is reminisce the memories and say a prayer.
"it’s a piercing, breath-stealing pain, and intense feeling of loss."
Yup. Pain, 9 times out of 10. Loss, and the senselessness of it. I try not to think about it because there’s nothing that can be done about it. It’s not any mystery to me why people invented an afterlife, sometimes I wish I believed it.
This is such a difficult one to answer because there is no simple answer or even an answer at all. You are probably more at peace with your great-grandmothers death as even though im sure you miss her equally as much as the loss of your close friends its kind of like she made her mark, and lived her time, where as your friend who died was taken before their time in perhaps a way that isn’t fair.
I have seen a few people around me sadly die and have reacted very differently during the time of death and after. When my Grandparents died (within a few months of each other) i was over come with sadness and still 6 years on miss them deeply, however i rarely cried over them, and thinking about them brings warmth and happiness. I am more sad because i know i will have to miss them for such a long time, but i know they are happy, and had a great life and make such an impact whilst they were here. Where as my best friends farther recently died and i can barely mention his name without welling up, it pains me to see what she is going through, and he was such a cool man who was taken way way way before his time and i simply cannot refer to him in the past tense. Slowly but steadily we are becoming more accepting that he is gone, and now can almost talk about our fond memories of him without flooding our living room with tears, and are doing as he would want travelling, listening to music etc. Even to missing someone who lives far away can be painful – i have a friend who lives far away and i used to miss them so so much i felt ill at times like i had a constant fist in my stomach.
I cannot begin to explain why or how people feel as they do, but i think the best way to honour their memory and do whats best for you is to just follow your emotion and feeling. If you feel sad, then be sad – do not feel ashamed to admit you are feeling sad, lonely, depressed or want to cry. Within time you will feel at peace with their death and come to accept what has happened and so be able to think about that person with happy thoughts, and warm memories opposed to the sadness taking over.
I used to completely shut myself off from everyone when i felt a little low, as i am usually such a creative (musically, artistically and in general personality) i felt i kind of had to feel happy, and be my usual 8/9 out of 10 happiness. Once i admitted why i wasnt happy its much easier to overcome any problem, and return to your you as you know it. It helped me to listen to music, play my music, see friends and talk, draw, and just get away from my home for a bit somewhere new to think.
I think the best way of honouring them is by remembering them as they were, and living your life to its fullest potential as possible. Some moments will stop you in your tracks and enthral you with sadness, accept this sadness, and through it maybe you can reflect and ease your pain at the same time through your art or dance, just do not feel ashamed to collapse under the grief as this will help.
I hope this has helped sorry it is so long. Some quotes I adore and think are appropriate:
‘why does life seem so long and yet so short at the same time?’ -Douglas Coupland (Girlfriend in a Coma)
‘All energy is only borrowed and one day you have to give it back’. –Avatar
Unfortunately, for me- I still don’t know how to handle loss. I just dont say anything, I change the subject, I turn away from all reminders. I’m just waiting on time. Even reading this was hard. That is for my recent losses.
But, I did have a beautiful experience when I lost my aunt to breast cancer (I loved her like crazy)- once again, I ignored the pain and acted like she didn’t die. Until a few years later, I knew I had to face it, at least cry. So, I began writing a poem about her, and I titled the poem "butterfly" when I finished the poem, a butterfly landed on the paper.((it was summer time, and I was sitting on my mom’s porch) some may call it coincidence- but I dont. she sent it, to let me know she loves me and I can let her go. I cried finally.
needless to say- butterflies make me think of her. But I feel ok now. Just hope to see her again.
Skylark, I am sorry to read of your stepmom’s experiences and also that you have lost nine people that you care about.
As I am sure you know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve for a loved one. Grieving is a very deep, personal experience. And honestly, I don’t think we ever really stop missing the people that we care about. We just find our own unique ways to honour their memories and then do what our loved ones would want us to do – keep right on living and enjoying every day. But then … sometimes things happen that do remind us just how deep that loss is. I think it is the shock that traumatises us the most, followed by a sense of guilt. Does not crying every day, or even thinking about someone every day mean that we miss them any less?
The answer is, of course not.
For me, the way I get through moments of grief is to know that it is okay to cry sometimes. Just as it is okay to be happy. Then I concentrate on the things that the person would want me to remember. The good times. Afterward I remind myself that other good people and things will come into my life, and that is the way it should be.
But that’s just me.
I saw this question last night. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
A month ago my brother was murdered, and I have felt numb and not myself. I am finally starting to come out of it, and feel better, but still not like before. Going back home, the house is full of pictures of him and of all of us as children. I tried to think about how I reacted when I saw pictures of my brother through his life: when we were kids, at weddings and graduations, and how he looked the last time I saw him.
Personally, many emotions wash over me. Pain, sadness, regret, and sometimes the joy of the moment when the picture was taken. I did not turn away. I felt like I wanted to feel the emotions, to grieve for his life and the loss. I kept looking up things on the internet about who did it, he is locked up now. My mother on the other hand, could not. She turned the picture we made for his memorial service upside down. She did not want to hear about who did it. Finally, last week, she was able to do it. So its true that everyone reacts differently, there is no right or wrong way.
But that loved one will never be forgotten.
Awwwwwww lark that’s so sad i’m sorry. My grandmum died last year and when I saw her in a old home video i couldnt stop crying. God i miss her. I don’t know when it stops hurting
thats really cool about your granddad! the link doesnt work anymore! can you fix it please?